No More Hiding

Shooting a shot at the old post office in Gary, IN.

I had one of those moments tonight where reality set in. I spent most of the day working on finishing some editing and music for a short film I co-directed. I guess my head was in that mode so when I called it a night I wanted to settle in with a movie but couldn’t decide what. Instead I opted to throw my own film in. Not because it was my movie of choice to watch but because I wanted to work on it a little. I wanted to see if there was anything left I wanted to alter. There are a few things but one audio mix I do want to adjust. I will do that and then finish the DVD I am making for the actors and a few close friends.

While I was skimming through the movie I was hit with a very intense feeling of nervousness. I was thinking what the film would be like playing in front of an audience. I was trying to see it through their eyes to see if anything stuck out. What it made me realize is that the time has come where other people will now see the film. I will no longer be hiding behind it. There was a sense of anxiety as it is now going to be in front of people and this film that I have spent years of my life getting made will be judged for better or for worse.

You become protective of something you create. Especially when it has so much of yourself in it. However you can also hide behind it which I was able to do. Almost no one has seen the film. I could post a few stills. Cut a trailer using pieces of my choosing. But there was the fact that no one had seen it. Sure a few strangers at a few film festivals deciding if it’ll be shown there but no one I know personally except for one person who saw a rough version. That is about to change. It’s like when you fall in love with someone and you start showing them all parts of you. The good and the bad and you hope they still feel the same way after. I guess it’s a sense of vulnerability which I know goes with the territory. It’s one of the many things that drew me to making movies. Even when you make something for entertainment it’s still going to have part of you in it for everyone to see.

I got the feeling because I know it’s time. The film is done and I need people to see it. I no longer have that safety net of hiding behind the post production title. When people asked when they could see it I could always say it’s getting there or it’ll be done soon. I can’t say that any longer. Here is the film I made. Here is a part of me. For all to see. The good. The bad. And yes, the ugly. This is me, Richard Diaz. And this is my film, ‘Distortion’. No more hiding.

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